By Katia del Rivero

While we are talking about closure, I would like to share with you seven ideas which I’ve learned through the last two years. Ideas about the transition between closure and being ready to begin again, the process we usually call “grief”.
- Grief Is Unique and Personal
I believe that every closure process comes with a grief process. The difference for me is in how it’s lived and what this grief process means.
For some is small and simple, for others long and tortuous. For some is a deep process that needs time, for others is shallow and short. For some is sad and painful, for others cheerful and liberator. And for many others is a paradoxical combination of all or some of the above.
The thing is with this rush for “finding the steps and stages of grief” we’ve “homologated” a process that, from my point of view, can’t be homologated. Because is a unique and personal process, that may be different in itself facing different situations.
In the last six years, I lost three of the most important people in my life. Six years ago, when my brother died I was full of anger, impotence overtook me and I was frenzied with life. I felt anger and ire facing everything and everyone.
Two years ago, when Michael passed away, I felt like life crashed me in such a way, I wasn’t able to touch anger, I was completely devastated.
This year, when my mom departed I felt in peace, and it reconciled me with life and with life’s strength.
2. Life is a process where we can feel helpless
The process of grief is one of the most vulnerable moments of human beings.
Is the moment when we invite ourselves the most to feel helpless. We’ve stopped feeling safe in the world in the last known way, at least in one point of our life (marriage, work, friendship, look, etc.) and we still don’t know if we will be capable for this new life that awaits us.
In our experience, the more impact the closure process has in different areas of our life, the bigger the feeling of helpless.
It’s not the same to lose a man who’s only a husband than to lose a man who’s a husband, partner, associate, father, and friend.
Is not the same losing a client out of ten, than losing the client that gives sustenance to my family.
It’s quite probable that we live this grieves in completely different ways. I believe the amount of helplessness is directly proportional to the construction we make of the risk of life this loss places us at.
3. Helplessness invites to helplessness
It’s very likely that during this time people react in uncommon ways facing you.
From the Blumenstein’s Theory perspective we, human beings, are invited to feel helpless facing others helplessness. Even more when we have open and unresolved subjects, because deep inside we are only reminded of our own feeling of inadequacy.
So, during the period of grief, when some people have a greater need for backup and useful support, you may find critiques, questions, judgments.
These behaviors have nothing to do with you and your grief, they have to do with what they offer and their own life.
4. Everyone has a solution
The process of help is one of the most misunderstood processes in today’s world, at least from my point of view.
Everyone “wants to help”, few know that help is one of the processes that invites to more to feel “denigrated” when it hasn’t been asked for and it’s not delivered as wished.
The reason is simple, maybe someone gives you an easy solution and perhaps you ask yourself: if it’s so easy why can’t I do it? Because it’s easy when it’s not your situation and it’s really easy from a different place looking at new perspectives.
Or maybe they could tell you “This is really complicated, you are making a fool of yourself if nothing happens to you or so little happens to you.” The contribution is similar to the previous one. It’s made from personal experience and therefore, as Michael used to say, “I mess up with your tomatoes”.
If you don’t want to stop others’ contributions I invite you to remember those are “their” contributions, not yours. Grab whatever is useful, and let go what is not. Every kind of help has to do with someone else, except you asked for it and negotiate the terms of how you want to receive it, how you need it.
5. Sadness can be a great companion
In my experience, sadness is something that may be scary for many of us. I believe, once again, because it invites us to get in touch with despair we’ve avoided.
Michael used to say that “sadness is the way the body uses to say goodbye to something that is not there anymore” and is a useful and healthy process that generates life if it’s time, deepness, and need is respected.
Is just that in this modern world, “if you are not happy, you are wrong” and I believe it’s a way to devalue life with everything that life has in itself.
I think that part of enjoying life and live it with well being is taking time to say goodbye to what’s no longer here, to make a reflection about what’s new and ask myself what I miss to feel safe in this new form.
6. The rearrangement time is unique
How long do you need to adapt yourself and feel capable of facing the new conditions? I don’t think there’s one answer only. I believe the answer depends on everything we’ve checked so far.
If beyond this change I feel capable, with the resources to react, time will probably be short. If I feel lost, confused, incapable, helpless, maybe it will take longer.
If I can build an image of myself facing this new scenario and feel safe is possible that time will be shorter, if can’t imagine how I will live in this new condition, it will take me more time.
7. If you didn’t die, you are more capable of living life
Finally, if you didn’t die with after the loss, you are more capable of living life, whether you recognize it or not, whether you feel it or not.
I don’t invite you to feel capable the very next day, it took me two years to smile again after my husband passed away, I’m only asking you to remember that you are capable, even if you don’t feel that way.
When Michael passed on I felt incapable, absolutely incapable of living without him, but my organism knew I am… How do I know?… My body kept breathing, even if I begged it not to do it!
In the darkest moments, of greater helplessness, remembering this may help the process and make it less challenging until you remember, by yourself, consciously, your own life strength and your capacity towards life.
No one but you knows what you need, no one but you knows what is useful for you, no one but you knows what you are missing, that might be, to ask for help because you don’t know what to do anymore.
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