By Katia Del Rivero
Michael Blumenstein used to say that we see what “we want to see”. In its time, this phrase caused a lot of controversy in the group. A lot of the training participants where he said it for the first time, said that this wasn’t like this, that “we see what we can see”.
What do you think? Do you see what you “can” see on behalf of your beliefs, learning, experience? Or do you see what you “want” to see on behalf of what you consider useful for your survival?
A little more than 29 nine years ago I had a wonderful daughter, who not only had one but four fatherly figures. My dad –her grandfather- loved her and contributed to those things that grandparents do: complicity, spoiling, love and infinite patience.
My brothers, all of them single back then, co-created with her through their contributions, a father-daughter social system that surrounded her with love, security, and leading.
Each of them in their own way contributed with something enriching, different and unique. From my point of view, and as I’ve heard from her –a little bit seriously, a little bit of a joke-, she would never go to therapy for “a lack of fatherhood”, in any case “for excess of it”.
Uncle O offered stability: the calm within the storm, the sane voice, wise and calm when every body else lost their minds. Uncle Fer offered fun, roguery, complicity, and self-care. And Uncle Betito contributed with teaching her love of one’s neighour, structure, and boundaries in a frame full of love, something fundamental that every child needs in other to turn into a skillful adult to live its own life.
Even though I noticed the phenomenon I’m about to share from time ago, it increased when my brother Fer died and his passing away swept our feet from the rug as a family.
In a very notorious way my daughter questioned everything and everyone, except her Uncle Betito. Every behavior he could have that was questionable for everyone else, she would simply explain it, using the logic that offered sense to the behavior.
This situation was so uncomfortable for me, that I ended up terribly upset with Uncle Betito and with her. I was so upset that in order to maintain “peace” I agreed with her that she wouldn’t talk to me about Uncle Betito and his ideas, and I took distance from him.
Later, Michael arrived into my life and he observed that I felt pain with this situation. One day he invited me to talk about the subject and after some questions and walking me through a reflection process I realized everything I’ve shared as an introduction to this article.
Nor did I only realize about all of this, I also realized that after Fer’s death, Beto –my brother- fivefold his presence, love and support with my daughter in an effort to soften the emptiness left by Uncle Fer in her heart.
And if that was not enough, I realized through the many dialogues I had with Michael about this subject, that the uneasiness that I felt belonged to me, because I had meant all of this in not very nice way, as a competition, instead of a contribution to the life and plenitude of my daughter.
I still remember with deep love the night that, talking about this, I roughed out my last and very emaciated arguments (once more) and Michael asked me looking me in the eyes: Sweetie, what do you choose to see in Uncle Beto? Whatever you choose, you must know is your choice, you can change it and that could or not contribute for you to live a good life. What do you want? Being upset, argue with your daughter, get away from your brother, or enjoy your family?
I didn’t answer that night, I just hugged him and cried almost all night long. Maybe, as he used to say, I was only saying goodbye through my tears to a form that was useful to me sometimes but that wasn’t useful for me anymore. So I started looking Uncle Beto in a way similar way my daughter looked at him, thanking his love for my daughter, his presence, his purpose of accompanying and taking care of her, despite dealing with me.
And it’s not that “I couldn’t see” this before, it’s that “I didn’t want to see it before” because that meant looking at some inner and personal situations I didn’t want to see, especially after Fer passing away: for example, I was really angry with life.
And I could stay like that or look differently. Always my choice. It was then I understood Michael’s choice with me and my daughter’s choice with Uncle Beto and I chose to see what I didn’t want to see.
Life can put in our way situations that we don’t understand, that we don’t experience fondly, that hurt us, and we have no control over this, but we can control what we see in this situations and the reality we build from them.
And we do the same with people. One day I asked Steph –my daughter- don’t you realize Uncle Betito isn’t perfect? And her answer was gorgeous: I know that he isn’t, and I’ve chosen to love him as he is and focus on what I like and what he builds.
The day I heard her, I thought Michael chose to love me in that way, with consciousness. That I chose to love him in that same way, that I love my close ones in that way, that I’ve chosen to love my parents, brothers, and friends in that way.
From the Choice to the Learning
This is not a learning process, but a choice that can lead to a learning. Is the possibility of choosing what I want to see in others, what I want to take from others, with what do I want to create a bond from others, in a total clearness based on what I want to build. And then, learning how to do it –everyday-, it’s a try and fail process as Michael used to say.
Days ago I was talking with Aye Ramírez about this when she suddenly said I also have my own “Uncle Betito”. I laughed a lot and said: yes, I think you do.
In that moment I understood something Michael said and couldn’t understand before: right when we choose to see everybody else the way my daughter sees “Uncle Betito” we are preparing the path toward peace.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t notice differences, neither that we see each other as perfect beings, actually, it means that we choose we want to see the good in our life.
What would happen if we discovered that this isn’t only about those who we love and who love us, but with everyone on this planet? Maybe we would stop killing each other because of our differences and we would see as Michael said that “when a member of humankind has a problem, the whole humankind has a problem”.
Author’s note:
A syndrome is a group of phenomena that concur between them and distinguish a determined situation. And as happened with the situation that helped me understand everything I share in this article, every phenomenon is related with “Uncle Betito” that’s why I’ve called it like this.
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