By Katia Ibáñez

The only thing we human beings truly control are our contributions.
Only I can decide if I ask nicely or yelling. Only I can decide the tone of my voice, the exact words I will use and what I will say. Only I can decide if I want to make one attempt or a hundred.
The rest will do the same and they’ll also choose how to react to my contributions.
When we say we know someone, what we are really saying is that we have a very good chance of anticipating the response he or she will have before my X or Y contribution.
But what happens when none of our attempts are successful? When none get us closer to what we want to achieve? When what worked yesterday doesn’t work today?
Since my baby was born I’ve coexisted with uncertainty on a daily basis. Actually, I believe all of us coexist with uncertainty every day of our lives, is just that since my baby was born I’m much more aware of it.
Yesterday singing worked wonders for nap time. Five hours later I tried again but that time singing didn’t do the trick but holding her in my arms did. The day before it was soft music. Two days earlier she fell asleep on her own while eating. Sometimes she falls asleep with her dad, sometimes with her grandma and sometimes with neither. And I have no warranty whatsoever that any of those things will work again tomorrow… And I assure you I will offer every contribution I can think of, as many times as I need to, for as long as needed. She, and the purpose I’m pursuing, for her to sleep and get some rest, interest me enough to keep trying and making attempts as many times as necessary.
Besides, I have a pretty good understanding that what I just described is just how social systems work, they are a constant process of trial and error. Said in another way, every baby (every human no matter what age for that matter) operates the same way, one day they want something, another something different. Sometimes what used to work stops working out of the blue. And none of that has anything to do with me, personally. Is not that I made a mistake, did something wrong, made a mistake or don’t know my child enough. Is just that she has every right to change her opinion on what she likes, what she needs and how to respond to my contributions (again, like every other human in the planet). On those days that my efforts work on the first attempt, that also doesn’t have anything to do with me. It isn’t that Im perfect, did something right or that magically I became the baby whisperer. It just means that for whatever reason my contribution worked. We make it happen together and step by step.
Relationships among grown ups work the same. Social systems are living changing processes. Constant and continuing experiments that require willingness from both parts to keep trying as many times as necessary until the shared purpose is achieved.
I believe that what makes this process very difficult at times is that we often forget this is a two person experiment, that both of us are co-responsible of making every attempt, adjustment and modification necessary until we achieve what we are aiming for, together. We forget that when there is a failure in the process, is only that, a failure in the process. Is not my failure, nor my mistake. Is not that I’m useless or stupid. Is not the other person failure or mistake. Is not that the other is useless or stupid. Is that we still have some work to do together, so we can find out how it works. Social systems require multiple attempts and to be capable of differentiate our personal value from the result of our contributions so we maintain ourselves willing to keep trying.
It might help you to know that the other person doesn’t have to know any of this for it to work. My baby has no clue about what Blumenstein Theory is and 90% of her contributions when she is sleepy is crying. It’s me the one that knows all of this and finds a way not to take it personal when my attempts are not as effective as I had hoped, of not taking personal her crying.
Social systems don’t need you or your contributions to be perfect. In just two months I have woken up my baby accidentally a dozen times. Once because I sneezed, once because I got a call on my cellphone and another because I accidentally pulled the pillow she was sleeping on. So, what happens if you make a contribution that instead of getting you closer to your goal pulls you away? Nothing. Just start over.
My wish for you who are reading this is that in these words you find the inspiration you need to be a little bit more kind to yourself. To find a way to be a little more patient with your social systems and a lot of renewed energies to perform as many attempts as necessary until you reach your goals along with those you share them with.
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