By Katia Del Rivero

In the middle of a conversation, I made a question to double check if I understood my interlocutor’s answer, which came ambiguous to me.

As soon as I finished my question, this person looked at me and with a tone, I considered disqualifying told me: “It’s obvious! Isn’t it?”

I had a nasty feeling. Michael Blumenstein would say, I was invited to go into helplessness. It is to say, I feel unsafe and doubt my possibilities to face any risk.

When I Devalue Myself Making Others Greater

There’s a possibility where I would try and make myself responsible from the other’s contribution. Therefore I may answer something like: “Sorry, I apologize…” withdrawing the answer and feeling silly.

Usually, this option would invite the other to feel ‘greater’. If I choose behaviors developed from my understanding, they might turn into a seed for a new difference.

This is the answer that usually pops from a meaning where I devalue myself facing others contribution, and think that if I stand him/her or attack him/her I lose value and might end up in an even ‘worse’ situation.

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When I Devalue the Other Making Myself Greater

A second option is getting upset, and answer aggressively trying to ‘minimize’ the other.

Then I could answer something like: “Noooooooo, obviously is not obvious!” where I invite the other to feel devalued. Or I could answer something like: “What!? Are you saying I’m dumb?” in the same tone and with the same intention of devaluing the other.

No matter what my answer is in this dimension, it’s purpose is to make greater than the other and devalue him/her. I will normally choose this alternative when I feel I’ve got a great probability to come out triumphant.

What we may not know is that this contribution might come from a helplessness construction.

Michael used to say that an aggressive answer is more related than any other to helplessness. Otherwise, why would I contribute violently and devaluing the other?

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Devaluation As a Construction Form

We usually don’t realize how this contributions and meanings invite us to build a social system based on mutual devaluation.

You might think these systems can’t last long, who would be comfortable in such a situation?

You would be amused to discover how ‘functional’ these can be.

Marriages that last 25, 30 or 50 years, where mutual contributions are about ‘you’re doing it wrong’ and ‘you’re doing it worse’.

Bosses and collaborators devalue each other in a direct or indirect form, depending on how in risk feel you feel your job. According to the surveys, this type of relationship causes many turtle behaviors, production mistakes and faults in attention and service.

Children questioning their parents and parents complaining about their kids. Focusing mostly on what’s already happened and forgetting what could happen.

Please, you shouldn’t think this happens ‘on purpose’. It’s only one of our ‘survival reaction’. In many cases is the only one we’ve learned to use in order to survive.

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What’s the Alternative?

One where I don’t need to devalue you, nor me, where we don’t need to devalue each other and are able to build together from our differences instead.

I see you are capable of dealing with anything that happens to you, so I don’t need to be in charge of you, your meanings or your contributions.

I see myself capable of being in charge of myself, and what happens to me. Therefore I don’t need to mean your contributions as devaluations and if I do so I take care of the meaning and I can ask for what I need to validate it.

I see you capable of living life and be in charge of yourself. I see myself capable of living life and be in charge of myself. If we are both capable then we won’t focus our energy on proving so, but we will focus it on building.

What? If we don’t know that will be the first construction. Find a place, space, form that we both want to contribute to in order to make it real.

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So the answer to the question that leads to this reflection might be: “For me, it isn’t obvious, I would like to understand with further detail.”

Because I feel capable of recognizing I want more information. because I feel so capable that is not relevant for me that you think (if that’s the case) that I’m making a silly question because I consider that if you do that has to do with you and your meaning, not with me. In the end, if my construction wasn’t the best, I can always make a new one.

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