by Katia Ibáñez

A few days ago my baby had a bad day. She got her vaccines a day before, so she was feeling a bit upset, it was a hot day and she didn’t had her morning nap. We went out for lunch to a restaurant and she fell asleep in my forearm, which got caught between the arm of the chair and her body and it began to feel numb. I decided not to move, let my arm be numb for a while, even when it started to be annoying. Do you know why I did it?

We all take our own decisions with ourselves in mind, even when we don’t notice it or think it’s for other reasons. Everything we do is for our wellbeing and survival, social or biological. Sometimes the decision making process is so fast that we might not even notice we’re making a decision, little less noticing we are making it for us, for surviving the best we can.

As we become aware of this process, we make ourselves more responsible for the consequences, therefore it’s easier facing them (at least in my case) . When you feel a victim of destiny, it’s more likely that you won’t find a way to deal with what comes your way. When you become responsible of your decisions It’s more likely that you’ll start feeling more prepared to face the consequences of your decisions. By the way, “facing” doesn’t mean to solve them by yourself. A good way of facing the events in your life is asking for help and working in teams. And if you understand that your decisions are the best way of surviving for you, that will open the possibility to be compassionate with yourself.

Another secondary effect that you get when adopting this perspective is that everyone else becomes… less imponent? kinder? as human as you? Same as you, everyone else makes their decisions based on what they consider it`s best for their survival. Many times as fast, automatic or unconscious as you. Their decisions are not based on harming or hurting you. Neither are they based on cheering you up or making you happy. They’ll choose always for their selves.

Be aware that if you comprehend this process and you become responsible for your decisions, that doesn’t mean that you are in control of the outcome or anything else. You decide what action to take, but have no actual power on the contribution that you’ll get as response. You can’t even be sure if the other one is going to give you an answer. You decide how and what you tell someone, what you can’t decide is what or how the other one understands it.

I decided to keep my arm where it was for many reasons. One, I was hungry and wasn’t ready to deal with the possible crying of my baby with an empty stomach. Also, there was a lot of people in the restaurant and I was afraid of being judged or labeled as “That mom that doesn’t know what she’s doing” if my baby started crying. Another, I would have felt like the worst mother ever if I put my discomfort (temporary, passing and not very intense) before my baby’s sleep. Also, if I let her sleep the chances of both of us having a more relaxing evening (she for being well rested and me for having a rested baby at home) were a lot higher. All my reasons at their deepest level had to do directly with me. Was it a sure thing that if I moved my arm she was going to wake up? Not at all. What was a sure thing is that I DIDN’T WANT NOR FELT CAPABLE to face the possible outcomes of her waking up because of me moving my arm. There have been other moments when I’m relaxed and calm (or at least not tired, hungry, and hot if you like it from this perspective) in which I move my arm, because I feel ready, prepared and enough to face her possible waking up.

Being aware of this process allowed me to go through the discomfort in the best way possible. I was deciding not to change the present situation. Do you want to know what’s the funny part? A truck passed just outside the restaurant and made a really loud noise and woke my baby up (See what I mean when I say that we are not in control of the outcome?). The external impulse, which I couldn’t control, changed the context and therefore my feeling about the situation. So, I did the best I could, the only thing I could do actually, I made a new decision and moved forward. And do you know what happened? I survived.