-Boss, I heard we´re going to be fusioned, is that right?

-You shouldn’t be paying attention to gossip. Don’t be silly.

-Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?

-Surely you’ll drunk friends will be there.

-Can you deliver me the boxes I requested you on Tuesday?

-I’ll call you when I’m coming.

The last three conversations ended up with someone upset or uncomfortable. You know why? Because none of the questions was answered. At least from the perspective of the one who asked…

“Clarity is the base of social construction.” Michael Blumenstein

The Purpose is the Key

Before any existing question, at least generally, there are two types of answers. The ones that are concrete and concise, for example “Yes” or “No” and the open ones, that require expressing specific ideas, thoughts, more complex situations than those that can’t be answered with monosyllabic words.

We choose one another depending on what we think is best for what we want to build with others. Do we want a clear and simple answer? Maybe a closed answer is better. Do we want our listener to build their own answer? Perhaps an open answer would be better.

Today’s article is focused on closed questions. According to our point of view, there are only four concrete type of answers. (Plus 1, which will talk about later).

Yes

This is the answer we offer when we want to agree clear and categorically to what we are being asked.

• Boss, I heard we’ll be fusioned, is that right?
• Yes, and the details haven’t been told yet.
• Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?
• Yes, and I ask you to be careful with how much alcohol you’ll be drinking.
• Can you deliver the boxes I bought on Tuesday?
• Yes, I’ll call you before going.

No

This is the answer we offer when we categorically deny what we are being asked.

• Boss, I heard we’ll be fusioned, is that right?
• No, there’s no information I know about that.
• Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?
• No, I’m not okay with how much alcohol you had the last time.
• Can you deliver the boxes I bought on Tuesday?
• No, is it okay if I call you as soon as I have them?

I don’t know

We live in a society where we believe that we must know everything. And that can places us in a weakness spot when we don’t. In a social system terms, when we offer a categorical answer even if we don’t have it there can be a wreckage, a difference or a loss of trust. So a totally valid third possibility is “I don’t know”.

When we choose to answer “I don’t know” what comes before normally is “I need more information before I can give you an answer”. Then we need to ask ourselves “What extra information do I need?”

• Boss, I heard we’ll be fusioned, is that right?
• No, there’s no information I know about that.
• Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?
• No, I’m not okay with how much alcohol you had the last time.
• Can you deliver the boxes I bought on Tuesday?
• No, is it okay if I call you as soon as I have them?

I don’t want to answer

I can imagine that this answer may cause confusion, especially knowing that it works as a title for this article, “We All Have the Right to Get an Answer”. The thing is “I don’t want to answer you” is an answer itself. Just like people are totally free to ask, they’re totally free to choose answering or not the questions they get. And answering “I don’t want to answer you” is still an option that respects the other’s right to get an answer.

Careful, it’s important to be clear on “I don’t want to answer you”, is not the lack of information that stops us. When we are lacking information we’re probably facing a complicated version of “I don’t know”.

In “I don’t want to answer you”, what we are saying is “I’m considering not giving you an answer is the best way to continue building together our purpose”.

• Boss, I heard we’ll be fusioned, is that right?
• I don’t want to answer your question, there will be official information next week.
• Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?
• I don’t want to answer your question, until we talk about it with your dad tonight.
• Can you deliver the boxes I bought on Tuesday?
• I don’t want to answer you right now. But as soon as I check my delivery list I’ll give you an answer.

The Plus 1 Answer: “I’m Afraid to Answer”

Michael Blumenstein used to say that in Mexico he had find a fifth answer that is quite common, although we don’t express it clearly. And it it is “I’m afraid to answer”.

Personally, I believe that it’s not only propper from mexicans, I believe it’s actually quite latin and it even comes from lots of cultures where social construction is based in fear.

This answer doesn’t mean, I don’t know the answer, I know it’s YES, NO, I DON’T KNOW, or I DON’T WANT TO ANSWER, and I’m afraid of doing so because when I imagine your reaction I know I won’t be able to deal with it. Most of us don’t say it, so we chose “to give an answer by the tangent”.

• Boss, I heard we’ll be fusioned, is that right?
• The boss thinks: “Yes, and I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen so I’m afraid of what could happen and of giving you an answer” and because I don’t feel capable of handling you reaction, then I choose to answer the tangent fearful answer:
• You shouldn’t be paying attention to gossip. Don’t be silly.
• Mom, can I go to tonight’s party?
• The mother thinks: “I’m terrified to tell you because I want to take care of you without you stop loving me” and as I don’t feel capable of handling your reaction, then I choose an aggressive, fearful reaction:
• Surely your drunk friends will be there.
• Can you deliver the boxes I bought on Tuesday?
• The seller thinks: “I haven’t finished the boxes and if I tell him he won’t buy me anymore” and as I don’t feel capable of handling the reaction I choose the fearful evasive answer:
• I’ll call you before I go.

What would happen if I give myself permission of expressing others what I feel? If we talk from our heart of our fear and of what we need so we don’t feel it, maybe we can offer a different answer.

The lack of clarity in answer invites to build and create chaotic social systems.

What kind of concrete answers do you offer?