By Emilio Arconada
One of the best friendships I’ve ever cultivated in my life, started while thinking: “That dude looks like an idiot and I can not stand him with his image alone”, “The other day he gave me a extrange look and I hate him for that” “What is so special about Mauricio? If he is shorter than me, I bet I can beat him in a fight, and I will call the attention of the girl I like! “
The truth as the great gentleman I was when I has 8 years old, I decided to face the situation and go to speak with him. He had better odds since he was “The Charisma Guy” and his mates weighed twice as much as my friends, so I was between the sword of my desire and the wall literally represented by his friends. After talking during recess and the time of departure, the next day went to my salon to greet me without my expecting it.
A week later our moms were friends. A month ago, Mauricio married. The girl I wanted to impress at the time was sitting next to me, during the wedding, chatting with my girlfriend.
This story illustrates how I get human beings are not good or bad, it is the interactions between individuals that co-create people. It turns out at some point, the girl whom I wanted to impress was my girlfriend, and I cheated her with who today is my girlfriend! The most wonderful thing is that we managed to overcome that and remain friends. We are the same human beings that failed as a couple, but as friends, (another social system) we interact wonderfully !! And this is just a sample of how much I learned just by being close to Michael Blumenstein.
The truth is you can admire many things about Michael, i.g.: talking in front of an auditorium at his service, his style to talk as a man and lead a conversation without sexism, that only I know that “I” that dwells within me and is intensely immensely mine, which is my task if I make myself known and how I do it to that “I”.
Above all, he taught me not only his theory, but to follow it and live by actions. In fact, I saw him follow his words even in the most challenging situations of the human condition. He showed me through his behaviors the difference between the Human Being and the Person and understood his ideas in situations of daily life.
He also taught me that even when a guy stops me from crossing the street and curse me profusely, behaving like an idiot with me, it is not necessarily so. He can be the most kind and exemplary man 99% of the time and I had the bad luck to meet him during that 1% that he is not. It may even be that the reason for his behavior is that I shut myself to him first without even realizing it or maybe, he really is a professional jerk 100% of the time, I do not know. The only thing I can see is that the person I “met” at that time is not nice to me. And if I get angry then I have the additional task of not being angry because in fact he did not make me angry, it was me who decided to get angry. Nothing more.
The importance of clarity
Probably what I applied the most of what I learned from Michael in the classroom, group sessions, one-on-one sessions, and work meetings (no matter how heated it became) is the importance of clarity in speaking. No matter that I believe that I conveyed a clear and concrete idea, that does not mean that the person in front of me will have exactly the same understanding and concept of what I said.
E.g., if I say “Think about a chair” (and please do so) I can guarantee that the chair I am thinking about is different from yours. It may be that mine is red and yours is yellow, mine is casters and yours is four-legged. The concept “chair” is clear and concrete, a piece of furniture in which you can sit. However, the first chair that comes to my mind is one from the dining room of my house, which even if I describe it, (brown, wood, four legs) which you imagine will remain different from mine.
And this is exactly what happens when a boss tells his employee “The presentation should be perfect” and the employee makes 50 super detailed sheets, but the boss only has 5 minutes and expected a concrete presentation, that’s when the: “I told you I wanted it perfect, you’re not doing your job well!” Or, when an aunt tells her nephew “Behave well” that in her house means “Do not put your feet on the couch” but the aunt scolds him for painting the walls …
So I learned to ask myself “How clear are we when we talk? How much do we assume we give ourselves to understand?” And these questions changed my way of fighting with my girlfriend. Whenever we fought it was horrible, for things as simple as “keep the shoes” that meant for her in the closet and for me on the side of the bed.
The importance of purpose
Someday I heard Michael saying that it did not have to be this way. What he proposed then, that today makes my relationship go on and that even our friends ask us for help and advice, is to always be clear about the purpose of the conversation. That we always make it clear that what we are discussing is for the well-being of us and our relationship, that if I do not care how I say what I do not like, the other may feel attacked and answer from there, and then I return and that is how it is very easy things explode.
When we make it clear from the beginning that the intention is to stay together, there is affection and all we are looking for is a behavior modification, (in my case, that she accepts my shoes on the side of the bed and in exchange I’ll hang my jacket on the coat rack), then things become clearer and easier to solve. I define it as Michael’s “basic economics,” in other words, when you say “yes” to something you actually say “no” to something else.
It is not about you or about me anymore, we do not hurt and talk about us anymore, and we learned to talk about our behaviors and what we want to change.
Understanding Michael’s theory has taught me that the situation with Mauricio, in addition to be a unique friendship, is not an isolated phenomenon. That if I change my way of relating to the same human being, I can have a different relationship with a new person. This has definitely improved not only my life but also made it easier for these people to have, just like me, a good life.
No comment yet, add your voice below!